Twas the Duel Before Christmas
by lucidscreamer
Summary: Side-story to Gainful Employment. A very naked Yami and Yugi, a strategically placed Christmas stocking, and a Santa hat. Ho, ho, ho! Puzzleshipping. Non-explicit sensual scenes. Total crackfic.


Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh! was created by the talented Kazuki Takehashi  
Notes: Inspired by kmktr's prompt in my LJ -- YamixYugi, "nekkidness", a strategically placed stocking, and a Santa hat. Contains silliness and non-graphic malexmale romance. Sensual scenes.

This story is a sequel to "Gainful Employment" and takes place in a crack!fic subdivision of my post-canon universe that begins with "…Whom the King Loves."

'Twas the Duel Before Christmas

By Lucidscreamer

"How," Yugi demanded of the universe-at-large, "do I keep getting myself into things like this?!"

'This' was crouching naked in a forest of artificial fir trees with only a woefully inadequate Christmas stocking between him and the total loss of his remaining dignity. Yugi shot a glare at the person he was holding personally responsible for his current predicament, and corrected himself. "How do _you_ keep getting me into things like this?!"

"Why are you blaming _me_?" demanded Yami, who was wearing nothing but a Santa hat and a blatantly false expression of injured innocence.

"Because Shadi isn't here!" snapped Yugi, whose legendary patience had vanished right along with his clothing. His temper was not improved by the fact that not only did Yami not seem in the least embarrassed by his lack of concealing garments, but he had the audacity to make that ridiculous hat look _good_.

Yugi had been looking forward to tonight all week. Between his school and Yami's new job at Kaiba Corp, they hadn't been spending a lot of quality time together. Things had been going according to plan -- low lights, whispered endearments, soft touches slowly growing more heated -- when Kaiba called to remind Yami he was supposed to set up the arena for their charity duel later that night. So, off to Kaibaland they'd gone. No one was sure where the strange duelist had come from, or how he'd gotten his hands on a mystical object of power, but he'd given them no choice but to duel him.

They were surrounded by the smoking aftermath of the duel, which had wiped out the guy's lifepoints, most of the arena, and -- for some reason -- all of their clothing, except for the Santa hat perched jauntily atop Yami's spiky hair. Yami had sealed off the arena, but the building was now surrounded, not only the fans who had showed up to watch the duel between Yami and Kaiba, but also by reporters. With cameras. Yugi could see the headlines now. He'd never be able to show his face -- or any other part of his anatomy -- in Domino City again.

"Stop grinding your teeth, aibou, or you'll end up with TMJ like Kaiba."

"Argh!"

Yami made a "there, there" gesture at Yugi that did little to calm him. The loudspeaker directly overhead -- the one that had been playing the same, relentlessly chipper holiday song for the last hour and a half -- was only making things worse. The muscles in Yugi's jaw twitched. If anyone found out about this, he'd never live it down. He'd either have to kill all the witnesses or move to a condo in the Shadow Realm.

He blinked at Yami. "Do they even _have_ condos in the Shadow Realm?"

Yami blinked back at him. "You need a vacation, aibou."

Since this fiasco was happening on what was supposed to _be_ his vacation, what Yugi really needed was a vacation from his vacation, but he manfully refrained from pointing out the flaw in his partner's logic. Yami meant well. Yami _always_ meant well. It was the execution that sometimes left a lot to be desired. Current case in point.

"No offense, Yami, but the next time you need help setting up something for Kaiba Corp, call Joey. I'm barricading myself in my room for a week. Alone."

"Would this be your room in your Shadow Realm condo?"

"… You mean there really _are_ condos in the Shadow Realm?!"

"No."

"Then why did you-- You know what? Never mind." Yugi started to rake his fingers through his hair, realized at the last second that doing so would leave him unacceptably vulnerable in the nether regions, and aborted the gesture with a frustrated huff and another searing glare at Yami. "I thought you had a plan for how to get us out of this mess."

"I do."

"And does this plan involve you, I dunno, _actually_ _doing something _at some point in my current lifetime?"

"You're vicious when you're tired, frustrated, and naked." Yami sounded impressed.

"I'm sor--"

"I think I like it."

"_Wha_--?!"

"I think it's turning me on."

"…_Oh, god_."

Yugi shuffled around to put a plastic pine tree between him and his inappropriately amorous other half. Clutching his stocking with both hands, Yugi jerked an admonitory chin at Yami. "Touch me and I will make you rue the day you reincarnated."

"But, _aibou_--"

"Don't 'but, aibou' me. We have more important things to deal with than your libido! Now, I want to hear this fabled plan of yours and I want to hear it _now_, or so help me, you will be sleeping on the couch for a month!"

Yami pouted. "You won't like it."

"I'm not exactly thrilled with the way things are _now_!" Yugi pointed out at a decibel level only kept below a yell because he did not want to draw attention to his currently naked self. He _thought_ the area was deserted -- that being the sole benefit of the massive explosion of shadow magic that had set this whole thing into motion -- but he wasn't taking any chances.

Yami outlined his plan. He was right. Yugi didn't like. However, Yugi also didn't see any viable alternatives, so he simply threw up his hands (metaphorically speaking. There was no way he was dropping his Christmas Stocking Shield, especially since Yami still had that glint in his eye), and gave the go-ahead.

Yami muttered something under his breath, made what Yugi considered an entirely unnecessary extravagant gesture that served to underline the fact that Yami had both of _his_ hands free -- and released a second explosion of magic that flattened every artificial tree within a twenty-foot radius, shorted-out the loudspeaker (mercifully silencing that damned song), and transported both Duelists to the Shadow Realm.

Where, Yugi was unhappy to find, he was still naked.

And his stocking had disappeared.

And there was nothing around him but an endless vista of black and purple shadows… and a smirking Pharaoh.

Who appeared _very_ happy to see him.

_Oh, god_.

As Yami advanced, Yugi made a strangled noise in the back of his throat that didn't quite know whether to be a laugh or a groan. Then Yami's arms were around him, and Yami's lips found his, and Yugi found he no longer minded the loss of his stocking…

--------------------

A few hours later, the duo had found their way out of the Shadow Realm -- which might not have condos, but did, Yugi was startled to discover, have a mass-transit system -- and home to the Mutou residence, where he made a bee-line for his bedroom closet. Yami had conjured clothing for them so that they could make use of the transport, but magical clothing did not last long in the real world and, the way Yugi's luck had been running today, he fully expected half of Domino to turn up in his living room. With cameras.

Wrapping the belt of his bathrobe tightly around his waist, Yugi turned to find a still-naked Yami lounging on the bed, lazily twirling the Santa hat from one finger. He looked altogether too pleased with himself. Yugi thought about scolding him, recalled their earlier activities with a delicious little shiver-tingle, and settled for flopping down on the bed and snuggling against Yami, who immediately took the hint.

Things were just starting to get interesting again when the phone rang.

"Why me?" Yugi flopped onto his back and glared at the ceiling. He was naked again, but this time he wasn't complaining. Or, at least, he hadn't been until the stupid phone interrupted the proceedings. He nudged Yami with his toe. "Stop that and go answer the phone."

"Let the machine get it." Yami continued what he was doing, which was methodically reducing Yugi into a puddle of blissful goo. Since gaining a body of his own, Yami had spent a lot of time practicing his new hobby and had gotten very good at it. He lightly stroked a hand over Yugi's bare torso, then followed the trail his fingers had blazed with his lips. Yugi squirmed in delight. Yami growled, a sound guaranteed to make Yugi forget all about the phone.

Until someone knocked loudly on the bedroom door.

Yugi smacked himself in the forehead. He raised his head to look desperately at Yami. "Are you sure there aren't any Shadow Realm condos? Because if there are, we should get one. Like, _right now_."

"I'll get right on it, aibou."

Yugi had a feeling that condo construction was about to take an upswing in the Shadow Realm. He shoved Yami off, snatched up a robe and tossed a blanket over Yami, then stalked over to yank open the door. "_What_?! Oh." Yugi felt his face flush. "Sorry, Grandpa. Did you need something?"

"Kaiba is on the phone for Yami."

Yugi took the proffered cordless and tossed it at his partner, sitting on the bed. Yami effortlessly caught the handset. The ensuing one-sided conversation didn't last long.

"Kaiba?" A beat. "I _did_ set up the arena for the charity exhibition duel. With the Christmas decorations. Yes, all of them." A lengthier pause. "No, you did not tell me to make it look like a post-apocalyptic Christmas, that was merely an after-effect of two consecutive shadow magic explosions."

Yami held the phone away from his ear. Yugi could hear a faint, tinny voice yelling what sounded like obscenities coming from the receiver. Yami rolled his eyes, then spoke into the phone again. "Kaiba... Kaiba. _Kaiba_! Now you know why I don't duel in public. I _did_ try to warn you. See you on Monday."

Tossing the phone away, Yami crooked a finger at Yugi. "Now, aibou, where were we?"

Yugi locked the bedroom door, then flung himself back into bed -- and Yami's arms. It was shaping up to be a merry Christmas, after all.


End file.
